Sine waves! Sometimes everything in my life stops and there is a deadening silence. And right after that I have everything happening at the same time. I used to find the second phase as scary as the first one. But my fear never stopped them from happening. 
Am I scared now? Not yet. Theses days I keep surprising myself. I clearly see the changes in me. I feel calm... like a moonlit night. 

I think I've given up waiting. And I find myself avoiding anything that reminds me of you. 

I did not send it. There was no point..... 

Last night I dreamed of three men. I was so scared of them. I don't remember any details, just that one of them didn't have a face. I woke up panicked and sweaty.

Today is not like any other day. Today is the day. My heart feels heavy. 
I'd like to write what happened on this day last year... but I might just wait till tomorrow. Or might never write it down to let it fade away with time like it never happened....

I promised to myself to send three emails today. Sent two of them... two apologies emails. Now I should see if I receive any response. Surprisingly, I find writing the third one the most difficult. What am I gonna say? How I wish you would break your silence. How I wish I could say all the unspoken words. 
Don't know. I might not send it. 

One day is left.....
I am a bit nervous. 
Can I make it? 

We all might be masochists enjoying being pathetic to some extent.... But it's just to some extent! Why don't people understand there is no joy when it is so scary and dark? Why don't they stop judging you? Why don't they stop saying that you are enjoying your situation and all depends on you and you need to positive and blah blah blah?  Or at least why don't they hold their tongue and stop expressing whatever comes into their minds? 
They make me feel even lonelier....

Today, we tried "EFT".
And I sat there looking at all those memories and feelings. 
I feel OK.
He said he wants to see me smile "again". But he has never met the smiling me.... 

I think emotions are the most complicated feature of human beings.
Today, I am thinking about guilt.
Some people live with guilt all their lives, some know how to deal with it, and some never feel it.
And sometimes there is a masochistic joy in carrying guilt around.

Hey brother, happy returns!

These days are strange. November is always strange. And today is another gloomy November day.....

I talked to an old friend/lover. We've known each other for 14 years, have been friends for 13 years and loved each other for few months. Our short romantic relationship was full of tension, and for sure a big mistake. I remember it caused such a big turmoil that turned my whole life upside down.
Talking to him made me go and dig out my hard drive for memories. Our old Yahoo chat history was still there, and some never-sent letters/emails which I had forgotten about.
I still do this. I have lots of unsent emails in my "Drafts" folder.
Unspoken words are sad things. They exist, they are there, but never expressed.
Now I'm thinking about those days. About my mistakes and the pain it brought me. The scar is still there but... it doesn't hurt. And there is nothing to be fixed.

I am here again.... after 7 years.
From now on, this is going to be my personal diary .....